Thursday, March 24, 2011

I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night!

Oh, Maggie Mayhem from Whip It. How ironically inspiring and heroic you were when you said "Put on some skates. Be your own hero."

Lately, I've heard a lot of derby girls here and there discussing their derby heroes. (Heroines? Whatever.) For those unfamiliar with derby, there are many categories and subcategories of skater relationships. There's the "derby crush." There's the "derby wife," the "derby mistress," and the "interleague derby wife." These could all be separate posts, and I'm sure I'm forgetting many.

And then, there's the ultimate. The best. The Derby Hero.

When I first joined Burn City Rollers, someone had me fill out this info thing. I didn't know blurp about roller derby at the time, so I was unfamiliar with the derby bios, alter-egos, etc. I didn't know I was supposed to know that Rice Rocket took a ride on Beyonslay. I didn't know I was supposed to admire this bad ass chick named Iron Maven, who conveniently bore a striking resemblance to Juliette Lewis.

So under the "Heroes" section of my questionnaire, I put The Amazing Delores. The Amazing Delores, which kind of sounds like a derby name, was actually this really insane bluesy/gospel singer from Charleston, WV, who loved leopard print and telling gay guys about Jesus. When I saw that everyone else on my team had actually listed derby girls for heroes, I thought to myself Oops. I hope know one notices.

I've had heroes before. When I twirled, my hero was this girl named Mandy Blank. She was uhmazing. When she dropped her baton, she would actually look at the judges or crowd and make them believe that the drop was actually in her routine. Mandy had spectacular tricks and professional showmanship. I wanted to be just like her.

Unfortunately, she was blonde, skinny, and well, a way better twirler than I was. She was also destined for semi-fame. (See video.)

I don't have to have a derby hero, but goddammit, I want one! I want to find someone with a similar body type and playing style whom I can look up to. I want to have that hero to challenge me. I want that hero so I can strive to be better.

Who knows this better than Bonnie Tyler? I feel you, Bonnie.

I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night! She's got to be strong, she's gotta be fast, and she's gotta be fresh from the fight!

So if you see or know of a derby girl who is around 5'00, has huge boobs, and lots of determination, let me know. :)


  1. Dude, yeah! When you guys are up here April 9, watch Cakeface Killa in the 7 p.m. game. She is GREAT and she's about your body type, probably. Last year at the Rocket City Rumble, each team voted for the MVP of the team they played, and she was MVP for both our games.

  2. J/k. Cake severely sprained her ankle at practice last night and won't play April 9. :(