Sunday, March 6, 2011

TV Derby Dream Team

I got to thinking, if I were to compose a derby team of contemporary television characters and personalities, whom would I choose? With the help of Blicker, this is what I came up with.

1. Jenni Farley, Jersey Shore: We all know she can hit a bitch. She could take out any little meatball her heart desired...especially if they laid eyes on any of her gorilla juice heads. Derby name: JWoww. Number: 36 F Duh.

2. Annie Edison, Community: This sweet girl-next-door could distract opposing jammers with her constant blabbering. Despite her optimism, Annie could use her debate skills to argue with any ref...and win. Derby name: Brainblow Brite Number: 900x2

3. Phyllis Lapin-Vance, The Office: Don't let her age or her Mother Goose appearance fool you. This sassy lady could deliver a stunning hip check. Derby name: Refriger Hater. Number: Suite 210

4. Effy Stonem, Skins (UK): Derby girls don't need to be loud. She's knocked out a chick with a rock, so imagine what she could do with her shoulders. Plus, she's got the eyeliner thing down. Derby name: Effin' Stone-'em Number: 420, of course

5. The Waitress, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: First of all, she's got to be on the sauce-- that's when this girl gets belligerently angry. Plus, if Charlie was sitting in the suicide section, she could wipe him out for good. Derby name: Derby Girl Anonymous. Number: 12 steps

6. Jenny MacArthur, The League: She already kicks butt by practically running her husband's fantasy football team. It would be great to see what she could do if she were actually playing sports. Plus, she wore an embarrassing frog costume for Halloween, and then she got humped by a monkey. Falling in a tutu would be nothing for this chick. Derby Name: Vaginal Hubris Number: 6

7. Margene Henrickson, Big Love: Poor Margene. As the third wife, she's always looking for her place in the family. Plus, she's always on the lookout for female friends. What better than a group full of derby girls...who don't live on a compound. Derby Name: Splatter Day Saint Number: Deut 21

8. Chef Anne Burrell, Food Network: Have you seen this woman? The only problem would be fitting her hair into one of those helmets. Otherwise, she would be serving up plenty cans of whoop-encrusted ass. (With a can opener, of course.) Derby Name: Chef From Hell Number: 450 Degrees

9. Callie Torres, Grey's Anatomy: I haven't watched Grey's Anatomy since season two. However, this girl is, she could pop knees and broken ankles back into place, without flinching. Broken bones are her business. Derby Name: Callie Tore Ya Up Number: 20cc

10. April Ludgate, Parks and Rec: Could there be a more obvious choice? Her ironic hipster personality lends itself well to the appearance of the sport. Her secretive, nonchalant manner could be invaluable to score the team points. Plus, Andy could help her with his mad blade skillz. They could skate around City Hall when Swanson's busy eating breakfast foods and thinking about pretty, dark haired women. Derby Name: City Brawl Number: 1816


Mac, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: He's a self-styled enforcer. Derby Name: The Cooler

Dwight, The Office: Not a rule bender, Dwight can keep feisty girls in line...or so he thinks. Derby Name: Beat Farmer

Bubbles, Trailer Park Boys: He's good at breaking up fights. He's smarter than he looks. Plus, he loves kittens. Derby Name: The Green Bastard


Kevin Malone, The Office: He knows what 7+4 is, even if he records it wrong on his expense report. Derby Name: A-counting


Ron Swanson, Parks and Rec: How could a team lose with the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness? Derby Name: The BaconAteHer

Any other suggestions?


  1. Where do you get all of this cleverness from? I'm cracking up over "Beat Farmer" and "A-counting"... nice post!

  2. There are a couple shows mentioned here that I don't watch, but the vast majority are stinkin' hilarious! I love the idea of Phyllis on the team--Refriger Hater! Love it! :)

  3. I love this!!! I love Margene's derby name :D